let go and forget about the hate

I read Ashlyn's post about her summer and her coping mechanisms and it hit me that we've both had a trying time this summer. I came back from London emotionally and mentally exhausted, and the last few months have been one of if not the lowest times for me. Like Ash, this summer really made me sit back and contemplate on everything - I was thinking and feeling so much that it would get very overwhelming sometimes. This summer has been a rollercoaster and while I wouldn't change any thing at all (even the shittiest parts), I too, wanted to write about how I compensated for the negative energy.

Little Things for Happy

Learning Something New
I worked at a chain skate store for three years of my life and I didn't push once throughout my time at Zumiez. I hadn't stepped on a board for years until the beginning of this summer, and I definitely regret that choice. Learning how to longboard, or any of my hobbies at all ie learning how to read Tarot or picking my Canon up for the first time in ages, really got my mind off whatever I was feeling. It gave me motivation to go out and get better, opened up my circle of friends and points of interest, and challenged me to do something that wasn't laying in bed moping.

Taking Time To Do 'Nothing'
Despite not wanting to think about anything a majority of the time and constantly wanting to be busy, I took it upon myself to do something simple for as much as possible. The less 'free time' I had, the better. I went hiking more this summer and in the past few weeks have been taking drive-adventures by myself or with my friends more often than not. Sometimes it was just being in my own head with the wind coming through my car window that calmed me down.

Stop Looking Towards the Future
Before I moved to London, I had a very set future ahead of me. We never take in account what could happen to us in a month, tomorrow, or even in an hour. While I'm graduating in the Spring, I've slowly been breaking the habit of figuring out what my life will be like. It's the unknown, and stressing over something that can be affected by the littlest of things shouldn't be put priority over what we're doing in the present.

Finding People
There was one big thing I was terrified about when I moved back to New York, and that was my relationships with the people back home. I luckily found myself surrounded by some of the raddest people I know, and while they don't know it, they really helped me get into a positive mindset. While no one should rely on others for happiness, sometimes you just need the people who you care about the most to remember that life isn't so bad.

This is all relatively simple stuff I guess, but I never really sat back and thought to myself how I was able to get through the last couple of months. The last point especially is so personally important. I never outwardly thanked the people closest to me but every single one of them holds a special place in my heart.

Thank you for reading! xx

reflections on my lost summer

I've had a really hard summer--emotionally, mentally, intellectually, physically... did I mention emotionally? I've never felt quite so lost and scared before. So, to compensate, I started doing more and more things to try to make myself happier, even if it was just for a little bit.

Five changes I've made to my life in the past few months that have made me happier:

5. Bath Time All the Time:
I'll admit that this change snuck up on me: about two weeks into my summer I suddenly realized I had switched to two baths a day. But honestly, why did I ever bother taking showers? They're boring. What's relaxing about standing up for another half an hour when you're already exhausted and ready for bed? Taking a bath quickly became my solution to everything this summer. Need to de-stress? Take a bath. This chapter is extra hard to understand? Take a bath. I'm crying again? Take a bath. Seriously, everybody just go take a bath.

4. Being More Curious:
I have a hundred different thoughts buzzing around my head every minute--is the moon out tonight? Is that a bat? There was an episode of the Office where a bat attacked Meredith. Do bats really attack people? Why is everyone afraid of bats? Those bats at the zoo looked really sad. Why do people put bats is such small cages? What's on NASA's radio station right now? I should probably work out. Wait, I need to google bats. I finally started giving in, and I've started learning one new thing every day. It may not be as useful as devoting yourself to studying one craft intensely, but nothing says interesting like someone who knows 500 random facts. I hope.

3. More Buddhist Principles:
I've always been fascinated by Asian religions, and I've often wished I were a Hindu or Buddhist. However, I do enjoy a hamburger every once in awhile... So I never thought I could pick one up. I was googling Buddhism and meat eating one day and came across a Buddhist who said following rules from a book because they're rules isn't a good goal; the goal should be aware of the harm you cause in the world and minimize it. Ever since then, I've been carrying bugs back outside and trying my best not to scream whenever I see a small furry creature. I think I've really gained a greater appreciation for other living creatures over the past six months, and I want to keep expanding on it. I even have a really crazy lucid run in with a mouse where I'm pretty sure we had some kind of universal break through and time stood still but that's a story for my memoirs

2. No More Scales:
For as long as I can remember, I've been a numbers girl, so I have a tendency to get hung up on arbitrary fluctuating numbers that dictate my life far too much. I've developed a much healthier relationship with my body over time, but I would be lying if I said I didn't worry about the food I eat or how many days I've gone without working out. I finally decided this summer that I was tired of the roller coaster ride that accompanied frequent weigh-ins. I'm trying to be kinder to myself. Less numbers. More happiness.

1. Accepting All is Not Lost:
After I fulfilled the dream I had for 15 years, I felt really lost. I felt like I had nothing left, which sounds overly dramatic--but for someone who always has a plan, I felt awful not knowing what I was working toward. All of my friends kept telling me I would find a new dream like Rapunzel, and I believed that too. For awhile. But after a year of still no new dream I wasn't sure I would ever have one again. I didn't know what was wrong with me. One night I realized the reason why I can't find a new dream is because I'm still hung up on my last one. I worked for my dream company, but I didn't get my dream job. It was a huge cathartic relief to me to realize that the reason I can't move on is because I never really accomplished my dream. Maybe I never will, but I feel like I finally have something to work toward again. I think my subconscious has known all of this for a long time; maybe that's what has kept me going.

Stay happy,
Ashlyn

the death of the 1 hour photo lab

I'm very fortunate to live in a part of New York that's accessible to a ton of cute towns, as well as being so close to the city. My sister and I woke up to an empty house on a Sunday and decided that we would go to Piermont for the day, one of towns that sits on the Hudson. It was a super sunny, prime day for a little drive and late-lunch outside.

Piermont isn't very big, but there are a couple of cute shops and a handful of places to eat. We ate at Confetti, an Italian restaurant that had outdoor seating and called their appetizers 'antipastas' so we felt kinda fancy, haha. You could see the view from the restaurant, and it was such a nice day out the Hudson didn't look too bad at all!

outfit details: headband; diy \\top; pacsun \\ skirt; american apparel \\ socks; unknown \\ sandals; kohls // belt + bag; vintage \\ anklets; misc  

The death of the 1 hour photo lab upsets me like no other. I'm not too old, but I feel like it wasn't so long ago I could drop a couple of rolls to CVS or any other drugstore and be able to pick up my prints same day. As a hobbyist photographer, it's broken my heart to see the use of film decline so much since the introduction of point and shoots, and especially more recently. One of the only same-day places around me dropped their in-store lab just within this summer. It's relatively sad, especially now as I feel like a lot of people are jumping on the disposable film trend. To be fair, I'm not used to using or getting my disposables processed so quickly - I've had two of them sitting in a drawer for years before I got them developed.

I started my new job at Gypsy Warrior last week, and school starts in a week! No more driving around, but I'm excited for the new year and seeing faces I haven't in long. I'm hoping this means I'll have a bit more content to put up as I really just work or longboard at the moment.

Thanks for reading! xx

set your soul on fire

Sorry for falling the face of the planet! I haven't really been on my computer much, life has been very odd to me lately. Here's a little catch up post!

My goals. I'm getting myself a lot more organized, especially for this blog. I have a couple of posts coming up, I'm just waiting for some good lighting... which would help if I stopped waking up at 12PM, ha. But like I said, goals!! I still wake up stupid late, but I have been working out more (i.e. Tone It Up, Blogilates, and different yoga channels on youtube) so that's definitely a start!

I've also been longboarding a lot. I only started it up again this summer, as I ended our short (read, an hour) affair two or three years ago after I fell on my side going down a hill. I try to jump on it every day when I can, and all my friends push me to ride or take risks in terms of boarding cause they all ride, too. I hadn't fallen all summer until this past week. I need to wait until my elbow grows back to be 100% comfortable doing day to day activities, but I think I'll be alright. I'm taking a break from working out due to the fact my mate told me this the other night: 'You're wearing more bandages than clothes, you're out of commission.' Won't stop me from skating though.

I'm not sure how many of you believe in it, but I just got back into studying tarot. I bought a beautiful deck while I was in France this past spring, and I hope to keep up with it. I taught myself a little bit when I was still in middle school, but I didn't get too far. I'm thinking of doing a little series on tarot either on this blog or my personal. Either way it's a beautiful 'hobby,' for lack of a better word.

I interviewed for a position at a retail store this past week (spoiler alert, I got the job!), as well as sent in both applications for my two goal internships. Crossing fingers for good luck, I definitely need it.

xx

twerk baby

So I had an idea to post about my new lingerie purchases. They make my boobs look like the kawaii-est bitches on the block but I’m thinking I might just highlight it on my other blog? It was a highlight of my week though, almost on the same level as getting out of a speeding ticket even, which happened within the last couple of days as well. I know, I know, I’m doing so much this summer! [ rolls eyes ] I hate driving upstate and I had to do so to handle my ticket, and it was the most exhilarating thing ever. Oh! We cracked open our Saved By the Bell board game, too. Complete throwback to the golden age - look at that pattern on those cards. We were slightly scared playing; Slater doesn't look like he practices consent. Did anyone else think so? Zack Morris will always be my baby.

I really haven’t done anything productive over the last couple of weeks. Even now, as I write this, I’m sitting in my basement playing Kingdom Hearts instead of doing something productive, i.e. write cover letters for internships I’m applying to for the fall.

As Ash mentioned, we’re on the cusp of becoming real adults!! Which to me is unfathomable and something that’s actually been long time anticipated. I was hired at seventeen years old for my favourite retail store and I had held a position there (on and off) for three years. I didn’t need to do anything else; I knew what I was going to do with my life after school, and exactly what path I was going to take and where I was going to go next for my internship, and career. I was one cocky, motivated motherfucker.

Except now I don’t really know what to do with myself. I’m back from London, and I’ve been in the middle of a quarter-life crisis for the last seven or so months. Ash always points that I’m lucky to be I’m studying what I love for uni, and I don’t deny that! But I’ve learned I’m quite useless, not necessarily my trade, but just day to day things. I can’t wash dishes without getting extreme anxiety, nor can I keep a space clean for more than twelve hours. Maybe less. Definitely less. I’m really only good for making Minnie Mouse hair buns that can last a week if you want to be gnarly. The whole ‘I’m graduating in two semesters’ is not the one, but I’ll hold off another day or two and get chubz on chips because…… the future freaks me out.

xx
Lexxi

PS.
So I decided to give myself some goals so I’m really not just munching away at crisps and unhealthy foods. It’s just shit that I’ve been meaning to, or actually need to do. Like cover letters? Who am I letting them go this late.

Wake up before 12PM. My sleep schedule has been such a joke since being back from London. I’ll go to bed at 4AM and not wake up until much later. Such a waste of a day, especially in the summer! I know we’re supposed to get eight hours of sleep, etc etc. But waking up before 12 should hopefully even out my sleep schedule.

Work out every day. By the end of my time in London, I was working out every day, including running. I stopped close to the time I was leaving because of packing and tying loose ends and housekeeping and such, and just didn’t pick it back up when I got back. So definitely something I want to work into my day again.

Eat a healthier + drink more water. I was eating relatively well before I left for London, and when I got there, I did all the food shopping. Being back in America hasn’t done anything favourable for my diet. It’s hard because I don’t do the food shopping for my house hold, but that doesn’t mean I can’t stop eating four or five servings of Ruffles every day.

Write these damn cover letters and an about me post. This isn’t a goal. This is a Lexxi, get your fucking shit together. EDIT: I sent my cover letters to be proofread but now I'm too anxious to open the reply emails (╥﹏╥)

I know a majority of them are goals everyone wants to hit, but I really want to make a change in my lifestyle. Being in a quarter-life crisis is not advisable.