Thursday, September 4, 2014

reflections on my lost summer

I've had a really hard summer--emotionally, mentally, intellectually, physically... did I mention emotionally? I've never felt quite so lost and scared before. So, to compensate, I started doing more and more things to try to make myself happier, even if it was just for a little bit.

Five changes I've made to my life in the past few months that have made me happier:

5. Bath Time All the Time:
I'll admit that this change snuck up on me: about two weeks into my summer I suddenly realized I had switched to two baths a day. But honestly, why did I ever bother taking showers? They're boring. What's relaxing about standing up for another half an hour when you're already exhausted and ready for bed? Taking a bath quickly became my solution to everything this summer. Need to de-stress? Take a bath. This chapter is extra hard to understand? Take a bath. I'm crying again? Take a bath. Seriously, everybody just go take a bath.

4. Being More Curious:
I have a hundred different thoughts buzzing around my head every minute--is the moon out tonight? Is that a bat? There was an episode of the Office where a bat attacked Meredith. Do bats really attack people? Why is everyone afraid of bats? Those bats at the zoo looked really sad. Why do people put bats is such small cages? What's on NASA's radio station right now? I should probably work out. Wait, I need to google bats. I finally started giving in, and I've started learning one new thing every day. It may not be as useful as devoting yourself to studying one craft intensely, but nothing says interesting like someone who knows 500 random facts. I hope.

3. More Buddhist Principles:
I've always been fascinated by Asian religions, and I've often wished I were a Hindu or Buddhist. However, I do enjoy a hamburger every once in awhile... So I never thought I could pick one up. I was googling Buddhism and meat eating one day and came across a Buddhist who said following rules from a book because they're rules isn't a good goal; the goal should be aware of the harm you cause in the world and minimize it. Ever since then, I've been carrying bugs back outside and trying my best not to scream whenever I see a small furry creature. I think I've really gained a greater appreciation for other living creatures over the past six months, and I want to keep expanding on it. I even have a really crazy lucid run in with a mouse where I'm pretty sure we had some kind of universal break through and time stood still but that's a story for my memoirs

2. No More Scales:
For as long as I can remember, I've been a numbers girl, so I have a tendency to get hung up on arbitrary fluctuating numbers that dictate my life far too much. I've developed a much healthier relationship with my body over time, but I would be lying if I said I didn't worry about the food I eat or how many days I've gone without working out. I finally decided this summer that I was tired of the roller coaster ride that accompanied frequent weigh-ins. I'm trying to be kinder to myself. Less numbers. More happiness.

1. Accepting All is Not Lost:
After I fulfilled the dream I had for 15 years, I felt really lost. I felt like I had nothing left, which sounds overly dramatic--but for someone who always has a plan, I felt awful not knowing what I was working toward. All of my friends kept telling me I would find a new dream like Rapunzel, and I believed that too. For awhile. But after a year of still no new dream I wasn't sure I would ever have one again. I didn't know what was wrong with me. One night I realized the reason why I can't find a new dream is because I'm still hung up on my last one. I worked for my dream company, but I didn't get my dream job. It was a huge cathartic relief to me to realize that the reason I can't move on is because I never really accomplished my dream. Maybe I never will, but I feel like I finally have something to work toward again. I think my subconscious has known all of this for a long time; maybe that's what has kept me going.

Stay happy,

No comments:

Post a Comment